remembering to be excited

For some, remembering to be excited is obvious.

For me, however, it’s easy to get bogged down in the mundane. The tasks of everyday seem big and daunting, and tomorrow, and even the happiness of yesterday, seem small and far away.

The truth is: joy is excruciating.

For every laugh that bursts out of me, there are tears that squeeze out of my eyes painfully.

For every drive on a thrilling night with the windows down and music blaring, there’s a quiet car ride during which I am alone with my thoughts.

For every time I lift my hands in praise, there are nights where I look down at them in agony, because they can’t hold what I want them to.

David wrote about this. He wrote about constantly feeling tired. I get the feeling he understood what it meant to be scared of how much he liked to just go to sleep. He was familiar with bitter jealousy that crept into his heart. But he looked further.

“Consider and answer me, O Lord my God,” he wrote.

“Light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, ‘I have prevailed over him,’ lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

I am shaken.

“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.”

I am recognizing the bounty of the life that is set before me.